Sep 18, 2013
by Atticus Shires
Making
a conservative, evangelical, Christian college become my home has been quite
the ride. I have had to live, literally, with people who not only misunderstand
me, but also decide to let their misconceptions script how they act around me
and how they see me (or not see me, rather). When people act according to my
“gayness” instead of my humanness, it leaves me in a state of feeling
disconnected, misunderstood and very unloved and devalued. I don’t want to be
seen for what’s between my legs or whom I prefer there.
But I do want to connect with my fellows.
I want to be known by them, and I want to commune with them.
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| photo credit |
::
(Misconceptions
are in bold & italics; my comments are in plain text) ::
I’m
gay therefore I lust. While
lust is my preferred sin of choice, it has nothing to do with my sexual
orientation (to which sex and gender I’m sexually attracted). Do you have lust
problems because you’re straight? We
lust because our humanity is defective, and sexuality in general is defective. Lust
is a malfunction of biblical sex; a thievery. Lust strips and blanches that
which God calls good (Genesis 2:25).
You
have a penis therefore I want it. Rather, you have a soul therefore I
want to see and know you. Men, do you
have the desire to pounce on every vaginal human life form that breathes? Of
course you don’t. As a matter of fact, it’s likely that the most sexual thing
you first notice about a woman is her hair or her curves, not her clitoris or
how fertile she is.
I
think guys are hot therefore I think women are aesthetically repulsive.
Rather, I have very few female friends who I do not find physically attractive…
Let’s think about today’s celebrities; there are many adorned and beautiful men
and women that walk the red carpet. We find (or don’t find) them attractive; we’re
drawn to certain beauties in certain bodies of certain sexes. How wonderful!
—Seriously. How magnificent is it that we can appreciate and value beauty, and
that what we find beautiful will be different from what your roommate or
partner or little sister finds beautiful? …The fact that I may be vocal about
who I find attractive doesn’t have to do with the fact that I’m “out and
proud,” but more to do with that I’m comfortable and confident in expressing
delight in the human form, male and
female, and send that praise to the Father.
“Don’t
be naked around Atticus; let’s encourage him by making sure we aren’t stumbling
blocks to him.” You are not just a sex object, nor am I incapable of
refusing to objectify you as a piece of ass. Your body is not a “stumbling
block” to me, but rather you trip me up when you misunderstand me, failing to
see me as fully human. You no longer hold safety in the eyes of my trust-abused
soul. Learn what nudity means to me; be curious and ask questions; ask me what
your body means to me.
Jesus, people. Jesus—allow him to come into your
thoughts before making assumptions. Curiosity did not kill the cat; but
assumptions kill Gospel-minded conversations.
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I
hate gay jokes. Rather, if I have a problem with your humor or banter
of choice, it’s likely because you’re dehumanizing and victimizing the
marginalized, not because it involves “gayness” (Hint: it can be a gay joke,
for example, but it can be any form of social injustice or public pain that you
choose to satirize.) Not all gay jokes are dehumanizing. Last week, a dear
friend and I ventured to the music building on campus. In previous years, I
could get into the building anytime I wanted; this is the first semester I’ve
been denied card access to the locked building. Tim and I walk up to the door,
and, alas, it’s locked. We both let out a sigh of frustration and
disappointment. Tim, with an impeccable sense of understanding and dry humor,
says, “I can’t believe they deny card access to gay people. That’s just not
right.” I looked at him. He looked back, waiting for my reaction. We laughed.
In that moment, I felt sympathized with that I was “discriminated against”
because I’m not a music major (thus not allowed card access), to which the joke
referred. But in that moment, Tim was also saying that he’s comfortable with
who I am, and that being gay is not just part of my life that contains hurt or
difficulty, but my sexuality is also something to delight in and enjoy. I felt
known and cared for when Tim expressed mutuality with me — frustration and
simultaneous enjoyment.
There are many more misconceptions that constantly tear apart the sexually marginalized from those who misunderstand them. Perhaps there will be a Part 2 to this article, but for now, what are your thoughts on these misconceptions? Can you think of any others? Do you disagree? Let's create a safe place in the comment section below for all voices to be heard and respected. I look forward to the ensuing dialoge.
Atticus, you are amazing. I love your transparency. This is exactly what NakID is all about. So you hit on my question a bit, when you discuss joking. But what are other ways that we can help those who are sexually marginalized feel loved? And how do we make them feel loved without them feeling like they have to hide parts of them? This might be a totally separate blog entry you have to write...
ReplyDeleteShea,
DeleteHaha, yes you're right; you've poised a very chunky question—but a good one, nonetheless!
To be honest, I don't want to be "treated the same" as other guys, because rarely do I see my straight male friends treat their other straight male friends well. This isn't really an issue of sexuality at all, rather an issue of humanity in general. It's sad, and it sucks: we're bad at loving each other. We cheat ourselves when we write off certain aspects of love as non-manly or "against God's will".
To desire intimate touch from my guy friends is not wrong; however, it is seen as odd. The craziest part about this unfortunance is that it has nothing to do with my sexuality, but for ANY male—gay or straight—to desire to be held by their other male friends is absolutely weird!
But it's not...at least it shouldn't be.
We all have emotional and spiritual needs. We should be able to confide in our fellows of both sexes and genders. If Jesus calls us to reach out to the lost, then he certainly calls us to love those in the family of Christ. But instead, we sugarcoat Jesus, preaching love and acceptance; yet, we know nothing of it. We have been raised with the love of Jesus shoved in our ears and forced in our bellies.
But at the end of the day, a rare few of us know what it means to be loved and known by another soul.
Lookie there, another blog post, nearly. I'm not sure if this answered your question directly, but I think that's key— This question must be answered indirectly. We must first learn how to love our fellow man and woman and see them as fully human friends. Otherwise, I can kiss non-romantic connection with other men goodbye. They won't allow it to me if they can't express it to each other. That's why it's been hard. I've had to teach my male friends how to love just in general(!) before they can love me well.
Does that make sense? I'd love to hear your thoughts on that. Challenge me with more, and I'll try to be more clear—and concise ;)
—Atticus
I wonder why you are making a conservative evangelical Christian environment (which for purposes of this reply, I will call "fundamentalist") your home. It seems like a tremendous struggle.
ReplyDeleteThe undercurrents of this blog site seem to be coping with a non-standard sexual orientation or sacrificing a portion of one's sexuality in or for a fundamentalist environment. Given that there are gay churches and churches that are very accepting of any sexual orientation or lifestyle. My question is "Why?"
If I were going to struggle in a fundamentalist environment as you are apparently doing, I would make sure that the fundamentalist environment is worth the struggle.
I wonder if you have accepted the environment because you were raised in it? Have you really examined the basic tenants of fundamentalism to make sure it is worth the sacrifice you are apparently making? Or are you just charging forth without an examination? That is what most people do. I am not necessarily saying there is anything wrong with an un-examined basis for belief if that helps one get through life. Ignorance, after all, is often bliss.
If the basis of belief causes a struggle or pain, however, it might be worth examining the belief system rather than attempting to conform to it. Just a thought.
Anonymous,
DeleteIf you think I am trying to conform to the "belief system" that I have failed to examine properly in my blissful state of ignorance, you're soundly wrong and misunderstanding me.
This article was not written as a list of complaints or unfortunances that if I only would have examined further, I could have avoided. I bring up these misconceptions because I want to help my friends love me better, and I want to help us as a Christian community love sexual minorities better. That’s what NakID Ministries is all about :)
My university and the beautiful souls I've found here have become my home and my family. Sure we fight when we catch each other pouring the other's cereal in the morning, but they are my family in Jesus and my family of the heart. I have found peace here—peace of knowing that I belong here and that I am loved. Until I came to this university, I had never known that such a place of care and intentionality to love others existed. It's no Heaven, and there are things to be improved, hence the article; however, it's no Hell. In fact, it's the greatest place of safety and belonging I've found in our world. I do not live in ignorance, nor misery.
I’m not going to abandon my home just because I sometimes have to buy my own cereal. When living in a house with a bunch of siblings, you don’t always get what you want. And I’m okay with that :) I’m okay with that because loving my brothers and my sisters is worth going without my Frosted Flakes every so often. We’re learning how to love each other regardless of our shortcomings.
—Atticus
I certainly do not pretend to understand you or your mission - hence my questions. I also did not mean to question your current educational choice or physical home. I am glad it is working out for you.
ReplyDeleteI certainly wonder about your analogy. The content on this entire website seems to be about dealing with sexual tensions in a "Christian" environment. Let's face it, you would not be devoting this time and energy if the sexual tensions the authors of this site are experiencing are on par with "going without my Frosted Flakes."
Regarding your mission, of "I want to help us as a Christian community love sexual minorities better." There are numerous Christian communities where LGBT individuals are NOT in a sexual minority (although probably not in conservative churches). So, isn't it better for LGBT individuals to find spiritual fulfillment in these Christian communities? If not, why not?
Anonymous (and Atticus),
Delete"So, isn't it better for LGBT individuals to find spiritual fulfillment in these Christian communities? If not, why not?"
This is a great question. And I would answer it with a question. Why should we assume something is better because it is easier? I think about what would ensue if all LGBTQ individuals who found themselves as a sexual minority, saw this as the better option? This strengthens the myth that sexual identity is such a basis to include or exclude people from a community. It reinforces that there are simply different kinds of humans: heterosexuals and non-heterosexuals (sexual minorities). And that it would be better, for all of us, if we just had community with our own kind or the people who agree with us.
Lately, my heart has been aching as I see this unnecessary separation of communities as it continues to allow difference to be grounds for disunity. Unity is what the body of Christ longs for deep in its bones, but the numerous ways we manage to "other" people is keeping us distracted. I never want to stop caring about and working towards unity and belonging.
I get your concern Anonymous, for wanting a community where the LGBTQ community can find spiritual fulfillment. But my concern is also what we are saying when our solution is they should go somewhere else to find it. Why are we regarding LGBTQ individuals as so different that this current community would not be fit for them? We all need the same things. I would argue that if a Christian community that is not ready to love, serve, and humanize LGBTQ people, it will fail to love, serve and humanize many other people. A place unfit for LGBTQ individuals is a place unfit for individuals. The fact that Biola is not an easy place to be LGBTQ, does not make a place not worth being. Nor does it make other LGBTQ affirming environments automatically the more beneficial place to be.
Certainly my point is not to regard predominantly LGBTQ Christian communities as necessarily selfish or wrong. I do wish, however, to dignify the the worth-while search for and fostering of love and belonging for LGBTQ students at a conservative Christian university.
I am a student at Atticus' university and I actively believe that there can be not only spiritual fulfillment, but emotional and relational fulfillment as well for LGBTQ people in this community. For these are all intertwined. Spiritual fulfillment for me is more than my one-on-one relations to God, but it is how that effects my relations to people around me. Spiritual fulfillment is when I see the Christian community seek the good of another and cherish one another in the midst of difference. I have seen it and have experienced it and NakID is prayerfully cultivating more of it.
If we cannot find community, love, and unity in places of difference within the body of Christ, we have a problem that threatens the hope for community, love, and unity for anyone anywhere, even in the places of uniformity.
Thanks so much for your questions. These things deserve to be talked about.
As someone who is gay and still trying to hold on to my relationship with God, I can honestly say thing is one of the most hurtful and damaging things someone can say. I don't want to have to search place after place looking for people to love me.
DeleteThis is the same line of thinking that was used by opponents during the civil rights movement and the women's liberation movement. "Separate but Equal" was a sick way for people to push away another group of people who did not choose the color of their skin. What we in the LGBTQ community hear is "you have a place to worship, go there". Christianity should be last religion to tell people to worship elsewhere or be in community someplace where we don't have to deal with the problem.
I do go to a church that is gay affirming, and I do have friends who support me, but my interactions aren't limited to those people. As a whole, Christians needs to learn to love people who are different than them. You can't put gay people in a separate community and try to tell them they will be happier. Rejection from a community is never a fun thing.
Z,
DeleteYou're right on when you say rejection from a community is never a fun thing. It's never a good thing. The first time we see shame in the history of mankind is in Genesis 3:10 when Adam and Eve are ejected from the garden. Not only was this certainly not a fun experience, but it was a bad one—in the literally sense of opposing that which was once good (Genesis 2:25).
In the theme of the article, do you resonate with any of the misconceptions I wrote on? Do you have any of your own to add?
With love and sympathy,
Atticus
Katelyn, thank you for your answer. Z, I certainly do not mean to offend, but I am not sure the civil rights movement is an appropriate analogy. If I am a nudest, I am probably more comfortable going to nudest beaches. I am not going to try to change all public beaches (although that might not be a bad idea - but I digress). Whether I "express" myself on a beach and the type of beach I frequent is a choice for me. Not so with the issues of Civil Rights, Gay Rights or Abortion as they go to fundamental rights not choices.
ReplyDeleteMy curiosity and the basis for my questions is how are you reconciling "conservative, evangelical, Christian college" environment with LGBT issues. Do you want a "conservative, evangelical, Christian" church to accept an openly gay couple living together and being active members? Do you want the "conservative, evangelical, church" accept the LGBT "tendencies" but demand celibacy? Are you trying to change the "conservative, evangelical, Christian church" or the LGBT individual?
It is not the "Christian community" part I am having trouble understanding. Many Christian communities have reconciled and celebrated LGBT issues. It is the "conservative, evangelical, Christian college" or church environment that I am having trouble understanding.
Sorry for being dense.
Anonymous,
DeleteI think I've found the point at which we're misunderstanding each other :)
NakID Ministries is not a Side A ("pro-gay"/"gay affirming") organization that seeks to change the evangelical church and their stances on homosexuality. We actually don't seek to change anything, rather go back to the Gospel-rooted philosophy of loving and serving people in our community and our neighboring communities. In short, we want to learn how to love people the way Jesus loved people.
In context of this article, I gave specific ways that people haven't loved me very well, as well as examples of my friends, like Tim, who have loved me beyond compare.
Not only as Christians, but as humans, we need to learn how to love people well, no matter our denomination or how conservative or liberal our ecclesiology.
Does this make sense, Anonymous? Z, what do you think?
—Atticus
Anonymous,
DeleteI think I've found the point at which we're misunderstanding each other :)
NakID Ministries is not a Side A ("pro-gay"/"gay affirming") organization that seeks to change the evangelical church and their stances on homosexuality. We actually don't seek to change anything, rather go back to the Gospel-rooted philosophy of loving and serving people in our community and our neighboring communities. In short, we want to learn how to love people the way Jesus loved people.
In context of this article, I gave specific ways that people haven't loved me very well, as well as examples of my friends, like Tim, who have loved me beyond compare.
Not only as Christians, but as humans, we need to learn how to love people well, no matter our denomination or how conservative or liberal our ecclesiology.
Does this make sense, Anonymous? Z, what do you think?
—Atticus
@Atticus
DeleteWhen I told my best friend, the first thing she asked me is if I was attracted to her. She simply had grown up, like me, surrounded by cishets (cisgender heterosexuals) and never had met someone who wasn't. We both laugh about that now, she is like my sister and she is seriously the most amazing supportive friend I have. It is never weird between us because she was quick to realize I am not attracted to my friends. I hate to use the term “type” but it's the only way I can describe it, straight girls are not my “type”, kind of like how most heterosexual men don't try to get with gay girls. Some people assume that I am into every girl and that is not the case at all.
All I would add is that people assume I want to be “fixed”. I don't want any part in therapy that is going to try to tell me it's all in my head. I don't want to hear that I can “be happy celibate”. I have come to terms that this is how God made me and that for me it means that I will someday adopt beautiful children that God want's to give a home. I don't need people to agree with my stance, but I do wish people would stop attacking my faith.
@Anonymous
I know many get upset about the analogy, but I think it gets a certain point across. The point isn't that everything needs to be changed so that everyone can do whatever they want, the point is that separating people out and telling them to go elsewhere based on qualities that cannot be changed is wrong.
Yes, I believe in separation of Church and State so I believe that churches have the right to discriminate, but that doesn't mean that I agree with their decision to do so. I will voice my opinion about how I think they are wrong, but at the end of the day if a religious institution chooses to send someone away, there is nothing I can do about it.
As far as what I want... I would love to see all churches open their doors to everyone. People who divorce and get remarried before their first spouse dies are living in adultery according to the Bible, but no one sends them away. I personally do not think being gay is a sin, but even for those who do think it is a sin, I think telling gay people they are not welcome to come to Church is the opposite of what Jesus would have done.
@Atticus:
ReplyDeleteWell, I am still not sure what NakID is about. But, that's OK. I can be dense at times. I am glad you have found an accepting place whether or not it is a conservative Christian organization. I hope it really benefits you. Sexuality is a strong force in a person. In my view, it should be examined and explored. I just hope you question everything. (Rant over and sorry for providing unsolicited advice.)
@Z:
I think you and I are in basic agreement. It is against my personal moral code to discriminate against people based on what they can't change. However, I believe others have the right to do so as long as it does not directly harm anyone. My problem was with your analogy - not what you were saying.
I also believe you have the right to voice your opinions. So, I appreciate NakID's efforts in providing this forum.
On a side note: I also agree with you in that I do not thing being gay is a sin - nor do I think acting on one's sexuality is immoral (gay or straight or a combination of both). I also think that turning people away based on sexual orientation is the opposite of what Jesus would have done. However, the "church" throughout history has often acted and or sanction actions that would have been the opposite of what Jesus would have done. (On the other hand, people tend to gloss over some of the sayings attributable to him, so our perception of him may be very different than the historic Jesus.)
To sum, I hope NakID is approaching LGBT individuals with honesty. I think it is inappropriate for NakID to approach LGBT people with stories of love and acceptance, then only to tell them later that they must be celibate. If that is what is going on (and I still cannot tell), then I personally have problems with them - even though I am sure they think they are doing good. However, if they are just providing a forum to explore such areas, I won't argue with their basic premise.
@ Anonymous
DeleteI think we are in basic agreement in regards to being it being okay morally to be gay and "act on it" in the confines of a committed relationship. I guess where we have to differ is in our ideas behind changing a religious institution.
I have considered giving up on Biola and Christianity, but it's just not what I feel is right. Seeing as I am a part of the church and I have that connection, I want to try to make a change so others don't become hurt like I was.
It would be a lot easier for me to just let bigoted individuals be assholes and disassociate with them, but most gay Christians were born into Christianity. It isn't something that people have an easy time giving up, so as they grow up in the church they become very hurt by the messages they hear. Young gay Christians will continue to be hurt until the institution is changed, and that's why I think it is important to create a change rather than to only find places where gay Christians are welcomed.
@ Z
DeleteAlthough leaving anything you grew up believing is very hard, it may simply be better for you to move on than to attempt to change your environment. Remember: "do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces."
I left the environment I grew up in because, for one thing, I knew I could not change it. It was a long struggle and it did not occur overnight but through a series of steps (that were not always forward). Personally, I am happier now.
Everyone must decide what feels right for themselves. Good luck with your decision and future.
good shat!
ReplyDeleteDear Atticus,
ReplyDeleteI have a question that may or may not be a misconception, you tell me!
As a heterosexual within the church it seems to me that people who are homosexual or struggle with same-sex attraction find so much of their identity in being "gay." As a result, the gay person feels like the church is attacking their identity while the church feels like they are hating the sin but not the sinner. I believe that people are so much more than their sexually but it seems to me that a lot of members of the homosexual community just label themselves as "gay." I admit that I struggle with lust probably on a daily basis but I would not diminish my identity to "lust" and I do not think that people who are attracted to the same sex should diminish their identity to being "gay."
Do you think that this is accurate at all?"
Sincerely,
Someone who wants to know how to love others better
P.S: Sorry if any of my wording was offensive, I'm not really sure what the correct terms are.
Anonymous,
DeleteThank you so much for your insight! Your compassion and desire to see others as fully and *appropriately* human is radiant. Thanks for shining here at Sexual Wholiness.
I absolutely agree with you that people sometimes miss the mark on who they are. You're right—it often seems that the LGBTQ community has an infatuation with labeling themselves as X, Y, or Z. When this happens, the other 23 letters are ignored entirely, and sex becomes the sole identity they wear. I'm glad you also notice that this is not only against our identity in Jesus, but it also limits who we are to one aspect of what we do.
These observations are well founded, and I affirm your wisdom.
But I want to offer another observation that you may have overlooked. Notice how you began your comment with, "As a heterosexual...". It's obvious you aren't claiming that your attractions script your identity; you're refusing to let the label of your attractions use you. But by starting out clarifying your sexual orientation, you use the label to your advantage. In otherwords, your identity in Jesus has not changed; however, you identify (notice I use "identify" as a verb, not a noun) with being attracted to the cross-sex gender. This helps me understand you and see you as more fully and appropriately human, too.
In short, it's the difference between being used by labels which limit your humanity, and using the labels to express the truth about you (this actually allows for a flurishment of your humanity!).
Using the term "gay" as a tool to express a quality of my humanity is simply what I'm doing. I do not, however, allow "gay" to define and script my identity — that's Jesus's job :)
What do you think about this? If you want to discuss more about this, I would love to! Keep the conversation going, Anonymous. Also, there's a book by Jenel Paris called "The End of Sexual Identity: Why Sex Is Too Important to Define Who We Are". It's a short book, and it's a fairly easy read. I definitely recommend it for this topic.
With gratitude,
Atticus
P.S. Your grace and love garnishes your natural wisdom beautifully. We always respect one's choice to remain anonymous, but know that all of your identities are welcome here, and you'll never be shamed by us at NakID Ministries if you choose to tell us a bit more about yourself. Blessings.
Atticus,
DeleteI liked the part how you described labels as either limiting humanity or expressing truth. It makes more sense to me now and I want to be more cautious of how people are using labels such as "gay" instead of assuming the worse. Thank you for your answer, this question has been close to my heart for longer than I would like to admit. It is comforting to know that I am not totally off the mark but obviously I have room to grow in my knowledge. Your ministry seems like a great place for having those conversations which can be considered taboo and the start of reconciliation between the LGBTQ community and the church. I will be praying for your ministry and look forward to seeing what you are able to accomplish.
"Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:10-12
In Christ ~
Ever since leaving home and coming to college, I've realized more and more that I've been incredibly limited to my one point of view. I didn't know that there are places in Colorado where you have to drive an hour to go to a Starbucks. I didn't know there are still churches that put incredible amounts of stigma on sexuality, both regarding female modesty and general non-heterosexuality. I didn't know that people can truly be both true to God and to themselves as God created them.
ReplyDeleteI still have a LOT to learn, but I'm willing to listen. I acknowledge that I don't know everything there is to know about sexuality. I don't even know if homosexuality is "right" or "wrong" or not. In fact, I'm sure I know very little. But what I AM starting to understand is that Jesus defended and befriended those who society was uncomfortable with, regardless of who they were or what they did (... besides the Pharisees. They weren't so great, I guess. But God didn't shy away from them either, as we see through Paul.) So that's what I'm trying to do as this realization becomes more clear to me: defend and befriend, unconditionally.
All legalism and technicalities of what being gay even means or implies, I just want to connect with people and help them know in my actions and attitude that they are loved unconditionally. It would be MUCH easier to condemn, but as someone said earlier in a different context, just because it's easier doesn't mean it's better.
Am I right or wrong in saying this? Am I liberal or conservative? Does it even matter, if I'm following Jesus' law of loving my neighbor as myself? I don't know, but I do know that this article has opened my eyes and my heart, and that's a very good thing.
Thanks for writing, everyone with NakID.
Hi, Melanie.
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing; my apologies about the late response. I'll try to be more intentional about our future conversations. Hold me to it :)
You touched on something so valuable that is so key when interacting with ANY soul. Your focus is that the love of Jesus would be known to every soul, not your agenda on their sins. I think it's ironic (and sad) that many Christians are quick to point out or call out other people on their sins before they share the love of Jesus with them. (Or they try to say something like, "I love you that's why I'm confronting you!") But this isn't really what's happening. It's more like poking a suspicious animal before approaching it, making sure it's dead and doesn't pose any threat.
Speaking of Pharisees, they would often poke and prod the Christ to see if he was dangerous. (Un)fortrunately, he was the most dangerous man they'd ever meet.
Melanie, I'm glad your comfortable with being uncomfortable and living in the questions. Your vulnerability and willingness to be uncomfortable is daring. So no, you're not wrong at all. In fact, you're probably the most right-on commenter we've met here at Sexual Wholiness. PLEASE keep coming back here. We need your voice on this blog.
I look forward to hearing your thoughts on what I've said.
Honored,
Atticus