by Katelyn Skye Seitz
A reconciliation needs to happen.
We have pitted our sexuality and our spirituality against each other and a reconciliation needs to happen. I invite you to take a step back with me, back from all the confusion, all the hurt, all the lies and all the tension that has informed so many ideas we have been given about sexuality. This step back we're about to take is not to escape our sexuality, but to get a fuller look at it.
The avoidance narrative has taught us that sexuality is, well, something to be avoided, that our ignorance implies our holiness and that our sex drive is something to silence. This is an effective narrative because it uses an effective instrument: shame. In her book, Daring Greatly, Brené Brown states, “shame derives its power from being unspeakable”. If any subject has been silenced by shame, it’s our sexuality.
This narrative says God created us as sexual beings on purpose and He believes it is a good thing. Whether we own this or not determines how we engage in our sexuality. As Jonathan Martin explained in his book, Prototype, “It turns out that knowing how loved we are by God makes all the difference in the kind of people we will become”.
This narrative refuses to be colored by fear — fear of our bodies, fear of our desires, fear of vulnerability, fear of mystery, fear of connection, fear of tension. Our humanity is deep enough to hold such mystery; it is capable of thriving in tension. It is made for connection, lost without vulnerability and comes alive with desire. God is found in these.
Yet, in this inherited and cultivated shame of sexuality, we have curtailed ourselves from much beauty, truth and goodness meant for this sacred embodiment. Being a sexual being is wild and vulnerable and mysterious, and that can be scary. Scary, but not worthy of shame.
Nothing God created and called good is worthy of shame.
I think it's time we allow our belovedness to reclaim this conversation. We have watched shame inform our view of sexuality for long enough. It's time we hear what God has to say. Turns out, there is no script for stewarding our sexuality. If this comes as a disappointment, go read the array of books on sexual purity giving you lists upon lists of the “do’s and don’ts” and get back to me when you are tired of these lists failing to engage the entirety of your humanity. We are aching for something that dignifies our desires more than rules to manage them.
One thing I have found is that seeking wholeness in my sexuality looks a lot like just becoming a healthy human being. The skill of knowing oneself requires intentionality, reflection, self-compassion, grace and belief in our own belovedness. And it is when we allow others to do this alongside us, when we believe in their belovedness, sexual stewardship will flow from this place. This will take courage, but most things worthy of our humanity do.
In posts to come, we will look at some of the places where we have been living according to a shame-based script and we will consider how these have been holding us back from stewarding our sexuality. But for now it is enough to breathe in our belovedness. If we do not start here, we will get nowhere. From here, as Amy Frykholm puts it, we can begin "to learn to grant to one another, in the Body of Christ, an opportunity to speak truth in love and to forge ahead toward wholeness." Reconciliation needs to happen.
Hi Katelyn...well written. This past year I have learnt to sit with my sexual desires. To enjoy them even if they go unsatisfied. To sit in this tension. To take pleasure in the ache for intimacy and physical touch. You are right wholeness in sexuality requires reflection, grace and compassion.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your thoughts Cateiam,
DeleteIt is exciting to hear someone else finding delight in desire. I have been thinking a lot about how in desire, there is something intrinsically good embedded into it. Like whether or not it is satisfied in the way we think it should be, there is something there to be in wonder over.
What is one thing you have learned while taking in your desire and holding the tension?
I have learnt that the hunger is good. Finally, instead of feeling anxious and frustrated when I feel sexual hunger, I simply relax and enjoy it. And this desire is wonderful. It is God-given. And in this tension, suddenly my senses sharpen and my experience with food, art and people becomes more intense, more alive, and interesting. There's a connection to the physical which I think we often ignore. I am reminded that I am body also.
DeleteI love how you bring up how this allowing yourself to desire without anxiety or frustration has influenced other areas of your life. I was just speaking to my friend about this today. When we silence our sexual desire in fear, it is not the only thing that gets silenced. Our physical experience as a whole gets dulled. Like you said, when you finally lent a listening ear to the voice of your sexual desire, you were able to hear the many voices of your body even better. You cannot silence one physical experience of the body without it effecting our overall physical experience. I have noticed a difference in myself as well. Knowing myself as a sexual being has been the bridge to me feeling ok about the space I take up in the world. I hold myself differently. With more love and presence.
DeleteThank you for sharing Cateiam.
Katelyn,
ReplyDeleteI can relate to this feeling of shame that is linked with sexuality so well. When I was in high school there were many youth group sessions where we talked about sex and spoke about the typical do's and don'ts. I think most Christians know these things mentally but we often fail in understanding what to do with all the emotions we feel and how they coincide with the ever so black and white do's and don'ts. I feel like the church emphasizes only on the topic and act of sex itself (which is something that we definitely need to be discussing) but often times fails to hit the mark by not talking about what sexuality, in its entirety, means for both men and women. In my own experience I have struggled with lust, but while in high school I wrongly categorized many of the emotions I was feeling for lust. At that time I misunderstood what sexuality meant; all I knew was that I was to keep myself until marriage. Unfortunately, I had the misconception that these thoughts and feelings should also never come about until marriage and I often times felt ashamed for being a sexual human being with real thoughts feelings and emotions on the subject. It wasn't until I started college that I really began to understand,and am still learning, what it meant for me to be a sexual being;that as human beings we have sexual wants and desires that were never meant to make us feel shameful but were given to us with purpose and intention.
Hi, Gia.
DeleteWow, this is such an important story. Thanks for sharing. I agree with you — it makes no sense that the church who sought to "keep us pure" never disclosed to us that desires are normal and okay. So when these desires would surface, we'd pray for God to take them away. And if the church had its way, that's exactly what would happen: we'd all be spayed or neutered. As a boy who grew up in the church, and as a boy who had many same-sex desires, I was very shameful. I wasn't having sex (which, like you said, was the only thing the church seems to talk about), but because I thought Andrew was cute, I was first in line to be neutered. Like you, it wasn't until college that I learned that desires are normal. But also like you, I'm still learning :) I'm so glad you're willing to keep learning. And I would love to hear your progress!
Your friend and PSYC 100 buddy,
Atticus
You bring up a very good point, Gia. The church often has a very narrow conversation on sex that spends all of its energy on pointing to martial sex. Yet, growing up hearing no other message about what it means to be a sexual being will cause anyone to feel automatically frustrated, confused or shameful when they experience anything outside that narrow conversation. There are so many experiences that our sexuality comes with, but the "avoidance until marriage" narrative colors them all as harmful. So anyone with normal feelings like desire, fantasies, same-sex attraction, a hunger for touch etc. end up thinking there is something wrong with them. Your story of mistaking normal feelings as sin is a perfect example of this. I am so glad to hear that you are learning that their is goodness and purpose to be seen in these these experiences. We need to hear from people like you!
DeleteKatelyn,
DeleteWhat is your view on sex before marriage? As I grow older, the less convinced that I am its a sin. I think sex is a good thing. And we are cutting ourselves off from something that is normal, beautiful, fun and ultimately very human. I'm not advocating for casual sex or using someone for your personal gratification but I am not sure but this hard rule of you have to be married.
Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteI love that you are asking this question!
My view is that I am asking questions right along side you. I want reasons I can explain to someone who isn’t “religious”. I want human reasons- that means spiritual, emotional and physical reasons why sex was made for certain contexts. But that brings us to the point that it was created, and with anything created, it has a purpose. God knows more about sex than anyone so His perspective matters. That being said, I want to share a few points that have struck me as important. This question requires a whole post probably, but for now-
First, it is important how we ask this question. You addressed it in the context of sin or not sin, so I think we should talk about what sin means. I have come to understand sin as a twisting of something good; it takes something whole and spoils it. When we sin, we are participating in something below us. It is not worthy of our humanity and that is why God hates it- it damages us. His work is to make us whole, more human. Sin’s work is to make us less human. So when asking this question, I am ultimately concerned with what makes me fully human.
I really wonder if we have made sex a much bigger deal than it really is. Like if you don’t have sex, you aren’t experiencing all that you were made for. I mean look at the most human person who ever lived, Jesus. He was celibate and his life was as full as it gets. But we are being influenced by voices everyday that say sex is an essential factor to the human experience. And in some ways it is for obvious reproductive reasons, but we aren’t just talking about reproductive sex here. Now, life without “doing it”- it seems like we would be missing out on so much of life…right? But I would like to back up and first ask what if our culture has put so much emphasis on "doing it" that we have begun to equate it with intimacy.
The "avoid everything sexual" narrative has written celibacy as excessively incompatible with a full life. But, I don’t buy it. I believe the celibate life is not a “sexless” life because there is much more to sexuality that “doing it”. But when we sexualize everything intimate and we define the celibate life as absent of everything sexual, the celibate person then deprives himself or herself of intimacy and self-knowledge. And THAT should not be lived without.
A few more points:
-Not all good things are always appropriate or beneficial at all times.
-Being a sexual being and dignifying sex does not necessarily translate into “doing it”. The behavior of being a sexual being looks different in different seasons of life. This is easily seen in marriage itself.
-Marital sex requires no less patience as the choice to wait. In marriage there will be times where you need to wait, deal with physical illness, travel, attend to other areas of life, etc.
-Waiting to have sex is not necessarily unhealthy just as not having sex during these marital circumstances is not unhealthy.
-Having sex is not an indicator of sexual understanding in the same way that virginity is not an indicator of sexual purity.
-You don’t need to have sex with someone in order to know how they will “perform sexually”. Patience has more to do with good sex than size and technique. http://soulation.org/jonalynblog/2012/08/waiting-on-sex-why-the-big-deal.html
These are NOT easy ideas to swallow. But I am willing to let my paradigm be shifted if there is something more to this than what my western 21st century milieu has scripted for me. And it seems like you are willing to be in tension too.
I get your concern. The God I know, love, and follow isn’t one to keep me from good things that make me whole. But if we declare that his idea of sexual wholeness is silencing our bodies and sexualizing all touch, then that is exactly what it looks like he is doing. I might have some more thoughts on this later. Let me know what you think and I will keep you updated too.
Hi Katelyn,
ReplyDeleteI don't think not having sex means you are not living a full life. But I think it is like icing on the cake.
Can the celibate life offer you the type of freedom you feel when you are standing naked with a naked man? The delight that comes from being touched and kissed. Or of knowing your body - how wet it gets before a man enters you?
I agree with you that we draw too many strict and straight lines in the sand when it comes to celibacy. And for a long while I was disconnected from my sexuality. And I felt angry, frustrated, and passionless.
Coming home to my desires has been delightful. I enjoy my body and my sexual hunger. And I have known moments where I feel sexual outside the context of being in physical proximity to a man - surfing or handling the tender flesh of a tomato.
However, there is something to be said for being in a sexual relationship within the boundaries of a loving and committed relationship whether married or not.
I recently spoke to a man who lost his virginity at 25. He thought his experience was beautiful. He loved his girlfriend.
Or even in a casual sex experience – it can be healing, therapeutic etc.
I will address a couple of the points you make:
1.You don’t need to have sex with someone in order to know how they will “perform sexually”. Patience has more to do with good sex than size and technique. Technique matters. Ask those who are having sex. ;)
2.Having sex is not an indicator of sexual understanding in the same way that virginity is not an indicator of sexual purity. - Agreed. Our thoughts on those are very much influenced by a certain framework which is limiting. There are a lot of technical virgins. And there are a lot of people having sex thinking it is mere mechanics.
Maybe we idolize sex too much in our society. I have asked God to help me to put it in right perspective along with marriage.
But the limited experience that I have had makes me yearn for that freedom, fun and pleasure. Will it feel the same, be the same when I am older? Would it have been better if I had started having sex younger? Have I lived with rules that have denied me of something good?
Sigh. We live in the tension. But sometimes I feel like feasting. ;)
Anonymous,
DeleteYes, I agree that sex, whether within marriage or not, CAN be a beautiful experience and to say other wise would be ignorant. I think its beauty, however, derives more from it being an expression of commitment, exclusivity, and patience than it being orgasmic. I just don’t know how much deep commitment, exclusivity, and patience are truly the driving forces of sex between two people deciding to not reserve sex for their marriage. And here I would say that just because sex is within a marriage obviously does not make it beautiful. Yet again, because the beauty of sex transcends orgasm, in a marriage -where a couple is committed to building a sexual language, approaching sex with patience, and submitting to one another- there are going to be sexual encounters that aren’t orgasmic, but are deeply beautiful. They may not include the glitziness of sex that we see in the movies, but it includes play and exploration and goofiness and that is beautiful. Our understanding of sex has to include- that sex, at its best, is not about the single encounter, it is about each encounter building on each other and making something greater between two people over time. This is why playful, goofy, non-orgasmic sexual encounters can be of immense beauty.
So when we say sex is good and beautiful when two people “love each other”, it’s not in the romantic sense that we see glamorized everywhere, but in the sense that “wills the good of another”. In a sense that is a lot more rare than we would like to claim. It can be the means to becoming more fully alive but it is surely not the only means and not necessarily the best means. Aka, you can become more fully alive and aware of yourself and the other person through many things other than sex. And yes I would argue they offer an intense freedom and delight that is not less nor greater than sex- just a different avenue. This is why I think it is perfectly healthy to reserve the avenue of sex for one person, because in the context of exclusivity, the fulfillment of sex is only enhanced anyways.
It just so happens that sex is romanticized in our culture and portrayed as this ideal means to intimacy, but it is just like any other way of knowing someone that takes work, practice, humility, patience, grace, etc.
I too yearn for that freedom, fun and pleasure. And it is this very yearning that makes me look for it in the countless avenues of beauty truth and goodness in this life. It makes me look for them in the places perhaps Jesus found them.
If you click on the link on the word “belovedness in my third to last paragraph, it will bring you to an interview with the fabulous sex therapist, Tina Schermer. I think you will love her! Anyways, she addresses the question, along with many others, about -will it be the same if you don’t have sex until you are older?
I also echo your sigh, dear friend. Some days more tiredly than others. I would love to continue to dialogue as following posts bring up more thoughts. Thank you for your honesty. I am learning from you.
HI Katelyn,
DeleteThank you for your response. We are never really taught this about sex. I'd love to see a movie about real sex. I mean not porn but definitely something that is real versus the messages we continue to receive about sex.
I'm learning from you as well. :)