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An Introduction to Our Belovedness
by Katelyn Skye Seitz
A reconciliation needs to happen.
We have pitted our sexuality and our spirituality against each other and a reconciliation needs to happen. I invite you to take a step back with me, back from all the confusion, all the hurt, all the lies and all the tension that has informed so many ideas we have been given about sexuality. This step back we're about to take is not to escape our sexuality, but to get a fuller look at it.
The avoidance narrative has taught us that sexuality is, well, something to be avoided, that our ignorance implies our holiness and that our sex drive is something to silence. This is an effective narrative because it uses an effective instrument: shame. In her book, Daring Greatly, Brené Brown states, “shame derives its power from being unspeakable”. If any subject has been silenced by shame, it’s our sexuality.
A reconciliation needs to happen.
We have pitted our sexuality and our spirituality against each other and a reconciliation needs to happen. I invite you to take a step back with me, back from all the confusion, all the hurt, all the lies and all the tension that has informed so many ideas we have been given about sexuality. This step back we're about to take is not to escape our sexuality, but to get a fuller look at it.
The avoidance narrative has taught us that sexuality is, well, something to be avoided, that our ignorance implies our holiness and that our sex drive is something to silence. This is an effective narrative because it uses an effective instrument: shame. In her book, Daring Greatly, Brené Brown states, “shame derives its power from being unspeakable”. If any subject has been silenced by shame, it’s our sexuality.
We have been asked to "stay virgins until marriage". But I believe this is asking too little of us. I believe this standard does not do any justice to the beauty, depth and intricacy of what it means to be a sexual being. Healing from the damage shame has caused will take grace and it will take courage; but it ushers in celebration. And that is what I would like to introduce into this conversation: grace, courage and celebration. Grace for ourselves, courage to believe in our belovedness, and celebration as we live into it.
Now prepare to re-enter into this conversation with a new narrative — one in which the protagonist is our belovedness. That is what this conversation needs to be about. Sexuality was never meant to get in the way of spirituality. Something Amy Frykholm adeptly communicates in her book, See Me Naked, is that the body is a vehicle of the holy, not a barrier to the holy.
This narrative says God created us as sexual beings on purpose and He believes it is a good thing. Whether we own this or not determines how we engage in our sexuality. As Jonathan Martin explained in his book, Prototype, “It turns out that knowing how loved we are by God makes all the difference in the kind of people we will become”.
This narrative refuses to be colored by fear — fear of our bodies, fear of our desires, fear of vulnerability, fear of mystery, fear of connection, fear of tension. Our humanity is deep enough to hold such mystery; it is capable of thriving in tension. It is made for connection, lost without vulnerability and comes alive with desire. God is found in these.
Yet, in this inherited and cultivated shame of sexuality, we have curtailed ourselves from much beauty, truth and goodness meant for this sacred embodiment. Being a sexual being is wild and vulnerable and mysterious, and that can be scary. Scary, but not worthy of shame.
Nothing God created and called good is worthy of shame.
I think it's time we allow our belovedness to reclaim this conversation. We have watched shame inform our view of sexuality for long enough. It's time we hear what God has to say. Turns out, there is no script for stewarding our sexuality. If this comes as a disappointment, go read the array of books on sexual purity giving you lists upon lists of the “do’s and don’ts” and get back to me when you are tired of these lists failing to engage the entirety of your humanity. We are aching for something that dignifies our desires more than rules to manage them.
One thing I have found is that seeking wholeness in my sexuality looks a lot like just becoming a healthy human being. The skill of knowing oneself requires intentionality, reflection, self-compassion, grace and belief in our own belovedness. And it is when we allow others to do this alongside us, when we believe in their belovedness, sexual stewardship will flow from this place. This will take courage, but most things worthy of our humanity do.
In posts to come, we will look at some of the places where we have been living according to a shame-based script and we will consider how these have been holding us back from stewarding our sexuality. But for now it is enough to breathe in our belovedness. If we do not start here, we will get nowhere. From here, as Amy Frykholm puts it, we can begin "to learn to grant to one another, in the Body of Christ, an opportunity to speak truth in love and to forge ahead toward wholeness." Reconciliation needs to happen.
This narrative says God created us as sexual beings on purpose and He believes it is a good thing. Whether we own this or not determines how we engage in our sexuality. As Jonathan Martin explained in his book, Prototype, “It turns out that knowing how loved we are by God makes all the difference in the kind of people we will become”.
This narrative refuses to be colored by fear — fear of our bodies, fear of our desires, fear of vulnerability, fear of mystery, fear of connection, fear of tension. Our humanity is deep enough to hold such mystery; it is capable of thriving in tension. It is made for connection, lost without vulnerability and comes alive with desire. God is found in these.
Yet, in this inherited and cultivated shame of sexuality, we have curtailed ourselves from much beauty, truth and goodness meant for this sacred embodiment. Being a sexual being is wild and vulnerable and mysterious, and that can be scary. Scary, but not worthy of shame.
Nothing God created and called good is worthy of shame.
I think it's time we allow our belovedness to reclaim this conversation. We have watched shame inform our view of sexuality for long enough. It's time we hear what God has to say. Turns out, there is no script for stewarding our sexuality. If this comes as a disappointment, go read the array of books on sexual purity giving you lists upon lists of the “do’s and don’ts” and get back to me when you are tired of these lists failing to engage the entirety of your humanity. We are aching for something that dignifies our desires more than rules to manage them.
One thing I have found is that seeking wholeness in my sexuality looks a lot like just becoming a healthy human being. The skill of knowing oneself requires intentionality, reflection, self-compassion, grace and belief in our own belovedness. And it is when we allow others to do this alongside us, when we believe in their belovedness, sexual stewardship will flow from this place. This will take courage, but most things worthy of our humanity do.
In posts to come, we will look at some of the places where we have been living according to a shame-based script and we will consider how these have been holding us back from stewarding our sexuality. But for now it is enough to breathe in our belovedness. If we do not start here, we will get nowhere. From here, as Amy Frykholm puts it, we can begin "to learn to grant to one another, in the Body of Christ, an opportunity to speak truth in love and to forge ahead toward wholeness." Reconciliation needs to happen.
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